In the year to two years after I graduated college, I remember saying the phrase below at least three thousand times:
I feel like I'm in middle school again.
I felt unsettled in my new stage. Almost like a baby giraffe wobbling as it tries to walk on its long noodle-like legs, I felt visibly unstable as I mapped out step after unstable step.
I was navigating new terrain and the stability of working toward the pinnacle of exiting the scholastic world for the foreseeable future. Gone were the days of summer vacations and school in the fall. The routine I'd practiced for seventeen years changed as I walked across the stage in the convocation center of my small liberal arts college.
As I floundered my way through the post-grad life, I found (and still find) small snippets of comfortable rhythms.
The community of believers I’ve cozied up to.
The workplace friends I’ve made.
The church I attend and serve in.
The coffee shops I frequent.
The apartment I’ve made my own.
But as a whole, I’ve still got a good piece of that unsettled, unstable and “what the mess am I doing?” tucked away in the back of my head. As for these past two months? I’ve felt really unsettled. Like, maybe the word “unsettled” doesn’t even begin to cover it.
For a long laundry list of reasons, my footing seems to be fumbling.
And sisters, I’m a fixer. Oh, heavens to Betsy – I am fixer. And when I am unsettled? When things aren’t quite figured out? When every detail isn’t set in stone? I become fixated on fixing. I cannot sleep, cannot eat and cannot sit still until I have it figured out. Until my ducks are in a row, I become a slave to settling the aftermath of the rumbles.
Surely, I am not the only one...right?
Yet in this fumbling and in this fidgeting, God’s grace is still good. Like the gracious Father that He is, it usually isn’t long before truth seeps into the madness. By His grace alone, I am reminded of Paul and his convicting words in Philippians 4, verses 11 through 13.
"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
So, in this season of tumult – in the rolling hills that are spattered in between the dark valleys and the bright and lofty mountain tops, I am looking for Him. I know He is here. I know He is present. I know in Him and in Him alone I can settle in for the long haul.
Our settling is not defined by our circumstances, rather the One in whom we rest.
May you find rest in Him in every season. May you settle into His grace no matter where it leads you.
-Diana // @dianapalka