You have to wake up and decide what defines you. But first you have to wake up. You have to get out of bed. Even when the road looks less and less like a way home and more like a dead end. It is not easy. Don’t I know it. It has impossible written all over it.
I am here to tell you how wonderful it is that you keep going. I am proud of you. You are doing huge things. You are starting good work every day, from the inside out. It matters. What you are doing matters. It is not small. I know nothing is clear inside your sweet head, but you make sense to me. I know you are deafened by lies from the outside, but I hear truth echo from your soul to mine. Let me point you toward scaffolding. I’ll show you where I missed, where I fell. One foot here. A firm grip there. We’re moving. You and me. Up and up.
See the skylines. Gawk at the lights. Close your eyes and listen to the night move below us. Dream again. We need it. Chip away all the corrosion that’s compounded year after year. Shed this excess and breathe the freshness of simplicity. Just you. You are enough this time. Let that truth be the dynamite that splits you open. I think you will find that vulnerability an escape, a refuge from the façade.
Then maybe you’ll be able to smile at a couple strangers. Kiss someone’s forehead. Load the dishwasher again and say it’ll be okay.
Maybe you’ll stop wishing for things to be different. Maybe you’ll stop waiting for people to come back. Stop wondering why they left in the first place and why that hurts so bad.
I have lost faith, and it looks like trying too hard.
I must stop limiting God to my circumstances. I will allow him to work through change, through action. Holy Spirit, intercede. I will stop pouring poison into my own cup and drinking it in front of people so they will see. I will erase the word pain from my seat. I will try to quiet my chanting heart, “Endure. Endure.” Something whispers to my soul, “It is finished.”
In the end, it is not what I give that changes anything. It is what I have been given. This gift that isn’t marred by condition and stipulation and ability. Because the truth is this: when you and I are paralyzed, God still moves. When we lose the words that are so precious to us, His voice rings clear. When you feel exposed, He surrounds you with a love that protects. When you are afraid and lonely, He stays. When everything changes, He remains.
Take these truths and keep them in your hands, no matter how hard it is to hold on. Courage shakes too you know. Small hands build things everyday. Hands that hold pens and books and passports and people.
I know it’s hard. It’s all hard. But I am proud of you.
“For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome. For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world–our faith.” 1 John 5:3-4
“Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:1
Suzannah // @suz_joy