Sometimes I feel like I am lost in a desert within my faith: alone, desperate, and thirsty. I try so hard to stay in tune with the Lord but somehow the “business” of my life always seems to get in the way. Life suddenly begins when I am determined to have a constant quiet time.
I am really bad about setting high expectations that are almost impossible to accomplish. This semester, there were a lot of things that I had set expectations for and when they weren’t reached I was left disappointed. I have come to the realization that this idea of having expectations for my life is the weed that is taking the water from my life and leaving me in the desert. I (for some reason) believe that I have the capacity to fix all problems. Taking on this responsibility is actually putting a gap between God and me. I put expectations on my life, my friends, and even God. I expect my faith and relationship with the Lord to pick up right where I left off. I expect the Lord to be my rock no matter what. I expect the Lord to take complete control of my life in all aspects. But the problem with these expectations is that in order for our relationship to pick back up, I must run back to Him. For Him to be my rock and foundation, I need to rely on Him. For God to take complete control of my life, I must trust Him fully. All these things that I have failed to do in this past season. The reason I am feeling lonely and dry is not because the Lord has abandoned me, but because I have ran away from Him.
But there is also this, it’s not too late. God’s personal message! “Come back to me and really mean it! Come fasting and weeping, sorry for your sins!” Joel 2:12 (MSG)
God deeply desires a relationship with His children
I want to live a life overflowing with abundant truth and love. When I attempt to control everything in my life I end up building a wall that blocks everyone out..including the Lord. I can act, speak, and convince myself that I am a well-watered woman full of life, but when you take a deeper look I am a dry and cracked well, lost in a desert I created for myself. I am scared to admit that I have blocked out the Lord. By suppressing my emotions, I have taken on a responsibility to fix a world that I cannot fix. I have assigned myself tasks that I will never be able to accomplish. I have become alone in a desert.
Through this season, lyrics from a song that was written by a friend a few years ago has been laid on my heartThat old life is a barren wasteland
Filled with drought and those hollow trees
But my eyes are fixed on you Jesus
And the new life you bring
-Barren Wasteland - Maranatha
These few lines have spoken so much truth over me during this season. The life I have been living is barren, meaning it is bleak and lifeless. I am ready to escape from this desert and truly fix my eyes on Jesus to bring me out of it. The Lord brings new life and with Him I can escape this feeling of loneliness. I have become desperate for the Lords guidance and given the desire to fully trust in Him. Rather than trying to fix everything that comes to my attention, I must ask the Lord to reveal to me what is truly important.