I was sitting on my bed, feet crossed Johnny Appleseed style, the sky’s darkness reaching its peak, talking to myself. No - in actuality I was conversing with God, but if I’m being honest, and by now we are friends, it felt as if I was talking to myself. I doubted God’s presence. 

When I talk to God, especially out loud, it feels like it is my own flesh answering my thoughts versus the Holy Spirit inside of me. To simplify this: I feel as if I am talking to myself. 

A few weeks ago, I prayed consistently and urgently for God to show himself to me. I wanted to see Him for affirmation that these prayers weren’t simply me talking to myself - that Jesus was listening. God, show yourself to me so I know that you are REAL.

I will not hold you in suspense: I did not get a dream of Jesus dressed in radiant white. Instead,  I grasped the realization that I was at a fork in the road: to choose to believe or to not believe that God is real.

Here was my thought process:

Loving the Lord gives me purpose and full life, yet to love Him only because of my own self gratification is not truly loving Him. To love God, and love Him truly, is believing that He is Lord of all and REAL. To have faith that He became flesh (John 1:14), lived a perfect life defeating all temptation (Matthew 4:1-11), chose to die on a wooden cross (John 19:18), and then conquered death to become seated on the right hand of God the Father (1 Corinthians 15:55-57; Hebrews 10:12).

The devil uses doubt to crush our identity in Christ. Simple. The devil is trying to yank us from the hands of our Creator and doubt is all too easily used for his victory. Yet this doesn’t mean we have to lose - we have a God who is stronger than our doubt and willing to fight every thought away from our minds.

“The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” // Exodus 14:14

Conversing with God aloud may feel like it’s a little crazy - but it’s not. The feelings we get, the intuition in our hearts, that’s the Holy Spirit - that’s the Jesus we dream of dressed in radiant white! 

“And this is how we know that He lives in us: We know it by the spirit He gives us.” // 1 John 2:24

I choose to believe because I know that He is real. I have no proof other than the feeling in my heart. I wish I could say that once I chose which path to take at my fork in the road, everything was easy peasy lemon squeezy… It hasn’t been. I still am struggling because believing in a God who is unseen can be hard. But Jesus says it simply: “Stop doubting and believe.” // John 20:27

Take your questions and seek wise council. Take your doubts and dig deeper. Do not run away, for there is a God fighting, and He’s fighting relentlessly, for you to recognize that He is in fact REAL. Fight with me.

I was told instead of searching for a vision of God or the sound of His voice, see Him in the small things, that’s where His fullness and radiance of white can be found. We will find Him if we are willing to fight for Him. 

Annie // @annie_body_home

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