Now that I want a relationship with God, I am having a hard time figuring out how it all works. 

This morning I grabbed my journal, devotion book, bible, and pen and thought it would all come naturally. That I was going to be one step closer to figuring out God and how this is all supposed to work. 

I sat there for 30 minutes. I did the devotional, I read some of the bible, and my eyes started burning with frustration.

What the heck does this stuff even mean?

My peaceful morning meditation turned into a nightmare.  

My chest started turning, sailor knots were being formed in my stomach and my brain went into chaos mode.

God, I am trying here…I haven’t tried this in 2 years and now that I am dedicating a part of my morning to try and get this all figured out, you give me anxiety? You give me stress? 15 minutes ago, I was in bed, comfortable and happy and now all I want to do is scream. All I want to do is never do this again. 

I put my bible down harder that expected and harshly ranted to god. Thankfully, God is love and grace and patiently let me say what I was feeling. He let me be honest. I love that about God. There are few relationships in life in which you are allowed to freely express your frustrations honestly without a hint of whiplash. 

God, you make me feel loved and alive and worthy. But I am not understanding the bible, your“Word” and I am not grasping this thing called “Christianity.” I am having a hard time comprehending how to do this. 

With my words growing in force, I sat there on the back porch looking out into the ocean probably looking crazy as I talked aloud to the porch railing. But then something clicked. It all kinda clicked. I was trying to figure God out rather than simply be with him. 

God is a presence not a puzzle. 

My control freak nature has a heart attack at this statement because it basically means I will never understand God/religion/Christianity/faith. My desperate heart is pleased by this statement because it basically means that I never have to try and figure him out. 

Because that is not the point of God. 

There is not one “point” of God. 

He cannot be understood in one sitting, one day, one lifetime. He cannot be put in a box, put in a religion, in a blog and simply be understood. 

But I think there’s a lot of beauty to that. That we each get to discover little nuggets of who he is and we each get one little puzzle piece of divinity and when we go to heaven / a mysterious afterlife that still confuses me sometimes, then we all put our puzzle pieces together and it will all mostly make sense. 

Honestly though, who really knows?

But I do know that I am done with trying to comprehend everything, done trying to wrap my ignorant mind around something that no professor, priest, Mother Teresa, or boss man can fully grasp. 

God is a presence. He is a life long friend, lover, dad, mom, teacher, florist, hand-holding, heart-racing, risk-taking God who promises unconditional love, grace like an ocean, and forever company. 

I want that. I want that god. Life sounds a little (a lot) more manageable with him. It actually sounds livable with him. 

So, at this point in my relationship with God I am done trying to fully grasp who he is and am just going to be with him. And somehow I think the more I am with him, the more I experience him and those days that I do pick up the bible, he will use it to whisper something personal into my soul reassuring me of his presence. 

-Madi Wiese // @madiwiese

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