He Loves me, He Loves me not, He Loves me!

For the past 10 years,  my brothers and I had been living without a father.  My mom had stood up for those two magnificent roles and she rocks! I saw her sufficiency in all my emotional roller coasters, life events,  provisions and my personal growth in general.  But these past few months, my heart has been rattled by a long time admiration  for someone.

I've been feeling tired,  frustrated and broken lately.  Mainly because of my personal issues.  I've been waiting for this person for almost 9 years (yes,  you can build me a statue for that I know) and along the road we've talked about the future and having our own house. But I haven't been able to understand why he always leaves me hanging and hasn't given me commitment. Any guy shouldn't lead any girl into something that will make her heart fall for him if he's not willing to catch her.  But yet, in spite of it all,  I waited... and waited... and waited. Until I finally said,  "I'm done,  I've given all I could give".  Aside from this heartbreak,  my mom has been diagnosed last October with "Papillary Thyroid Carcinoma" aka Thyroid Cancer. But I see God's sovereignty and goodness in the midst of it all.  My God is good, more than good.

I don't always agree to people's life quotes especially this: "you can do it, God knows you handle it that's why you were given that problem". This is a common line here in the Philippines for someone who's trying to comfort a friend. I disagree with it. I mean,  what's the purpose of trials? Why did He allow my mom to have cancer? To make us suffer just because this God up in the sky feels like it? Or maybe it is because He's so unloving and full of anger that He's paying us back for every sin we've done?  God does everything with purpose. The reason He allows those pain in your life is because He knows you CAN'T handle them by yourself and in deep desperation we are humbled down seeking for His divine intervention. He is a loving God,  slow to anger, gracious, merciful and relenting from disaster. Our God is a glory seeking god.  He doesn't just want us to know Him,  but He longs to be intimate with us.  Our God is "Abba" (Gk. Translation "Daddy")not just Father but "Daddy" -- a more intimate form and we are His children.

But unlike our imperfect love, no past mistakes and no present situation can keep us away from God's love. His love isnt patterned like ours. That's why there are certain things he does and say that doesn't make sense to us.  He is outside the pattern of our ways,  living and loving. Earlier today I asked myself, "God is sovereign, He could've changed my mind and convinced me that this relationship isn't for us. But why did it have to take this long for me to have this turning point of letting him go?" Then a friend reminded me,  "if only you listened to your mom". She's been reminding me and telling me he is not the one for me, but since I love him I ignored her and often times argued with her.

God said, "My child, don't reject the Lord's discipline, and don't be upset when he corrects you. For the Lord corrects those he loves,  just as a father corrects a child in whom he delights" (Proverbs 3:11-12).

It is only in our weaknesses and human incapabilities do we appreciate Jesus' strength and victory. Knowing we all fall short of the glorious standard of Christ humbles us and magnifies the message of the cross. That only through Jesus do we have a right standing with God (Romans 8:30). I thought all this time,  I was being broken, I am. But it doesn't end there, He is making me whole. If it wasn't because of the pain I've endured and the series of misfortunate events my independence from Him resulted, I wouldn't understand how deep "my child listen to me" means. He is making me see His love that is able to build me up. He is teaching me to trust Him and to not lean on my own strength and understanding.  He longs to be the father I was deprived of. Who wants nothing but the best for me and gives me hope for the better days He planned for my life. 

Have you sought God for what you want? You should,  it'll save you some heartbreaks. Share Jesus to a friend as well and encourage others in faith to continually trust in His unfailing love. If you've made mistakes in the past,  don't condemn yourself, that's just Satan lying to you. You are no longer under the power of sin,  but under grace through Jesus Christ. God loves you unconditionally. He delights in you.

Instagram: @kayeohliveare // Twitter: @kayeohliveare

Hi my name is Kaye and I’m from the Philippines.I’m a registered nurse, a “chef” according to my mom and a million other things depending on her mood or my current venture. I have 2 older brothers and yes, I got tortured by their mean pranks when we were growing up.  I love nature and animals. I strongly believe in the cross of Jesus Christ and no effort of mine can ever add on to that power.  I desire to be transformed by His glory and touch lives in that process.