I talk about drowning a lot.
Being submerged and suspended under the pressure of anything that seems out of reach and out of control. Floating, fingers held still by water in between. Looking around, eyes to each direction and seeing the hair float around your face.
There’s an urge. There’s the purest, most human urge to breathe. To grasp onto the oxygen that is absolutely and most outrageously absent around your body.
We can swim and squirm and try to find that air from somewhere around our body, but if we open our mouths and take in the thick water around us, we drown for good.
I’m about to drown for good.
Yeah, I’m about to drown for good.
Lately, I have felt this enormous and consuming feeling of being “not enough” for people. Not being enough for my parents, not being enough for my friends, not doing enough or pouring into enough people. Not sharing the gospel enough or writing enough. Not having enough Godly desires in my heart. Not being pure enough or sweet enough or saying the right thing enough.
I have been drowning and squirming and surrounded by the constantly consuming fear of never being enough for anybody. Never being enough for God.
The other night, I cracked under the pressure of drowning. I opened my mouth and let in the thick water. I believed the lies in my head.
I put my car into park, turned off the car, opened the door, and tumbled onto the ground below me.
I cracked. I drowned.
I got up and brushed the dirt off my pants and starting talking out loud to God.
And I swear, I had no idea what to say.
For the first time, I had nothing to say. So I asked God:
“What are the colors like in Heaven?”
Maybe I was tired, but He responded and said “Kellie. There is a color called ‘grace’. It exists on Earth and it surrounds you like the rays of the sun. However, you can’t see it. You can’t see it because you are drowning. I am clothing you in one of my favorite colors: Grace. Go. Be Free. You are my BELOVED!”
I breathed deeply and let the cold, humid wind take my breath. I let the wind weave in and out of my fingers and dance behind me. Because of God’s grace, we are enough for him. HE CALLS ME BELOVED. HE DIED FOR ME. HE THINKS I AM WORTH
God spoke to me that night.
I thought to myself “man I have GOT to write about that and submit it to the Delight blog. I just have to.”
And you girls deserve honesty, but I just couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t put any words onto paper.
I was still swimming in not feeling adequate enough. Not feeling good enough.
Last night, I asked my sister to help me write. I had been feeling empty and drained from drowning.
My sister allowed God to speak to her. I knew that she would write well, but little did I know that God would speak through her to pull me out of drowning.
To pull me out of the pool of “not-enoughness”.
Instead of rambling, listen to Jesus speak through my sister, Audrey:
I write it on my wrists, my mirrors, in my journals, out loud in my prayers. I say it until I hear it back in my ears. I write it until I believe it with my own eyes. The word enough has more power than one realizes. I am 21 years old and am just now realizing what it means to be enough. Enough for my parents, enough for my teachers, enough for my friends, enough for my young life girls, enough for you. My eyelids grow heavy as my eyes grow weary of seeing the world through the lens of inadequacy.
The desire to be good enough for these worldly standards that I so often place myself in has taken hold of my heart for years. It has left dents, wounds, unwanted memories, and scars in my heart making it hard to fit anything else inside of it.
What has ended up happening is the thoughts of not being good enough have taken over majority of my mindset and somehow God’s opinion of me somehow got
Isn’t that odd? Isn’t it so bizarre that as humans we neglect to remember how the Lord sees us and instead listen to what mere people have to say about you? I remember being young and competing for almost everything; whether it was academics, sports, class favorite, leader positions, etc – it was all a competition. I can only remember about 1 or 2 things that I specifically won, but I can list off about 100 things that I lost. I can go on and on about things that I wasn’t deemed “good enough” for but am at a loss for words about the things that I was able to do.
I think that’s what we tend to do with God. I think we forget everything that He has called us and instead listen to what the world tells us. As a follower of Christ, as someone who knows where her worth stems from yet still struggles every day with it, I can tell you that I know how hard it is to remember that we are enough. And the craziest part is that it doesn’t matter if I tell you over and over again that you are enough, my words are fleeting. Affirmation from humans only lasts so long, that’s why we constantly need more of it.
I would rather just show you how you are enough, so that you can read it for yourself:
Ephesians 1:6 “To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.” Eph. 1:6
Romans 8:37-39 – “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
2 Corinthians 5:17 – “So then, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; what is old has passed away--look, what is new has come.”
Galatians 5:1 “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”
I hope you read those, and then reread those. I hope that when reading those verses you let them capture your heart and everything in it. I hope that the thought of being enough is on your mind and overwhelming you at this moment. My prayer is that you saw the words accepted, beloved, love, new creation, and free and then associated those words with you. I pray that as you say those words over and over that the words from the world slowly slipped away and somehow got
The world and God will never tell you the same thing. Knowing that is scary because we are prone to holding on tightly to what the world says and letting God’s words disappear into the background. However, I also think it’s very freeing. Knowing where our worth comes from and that it can never be taken away forces you to look through a different lens. You’re no longer competing with the world but instead resting with knowing what the Lord says.
A friend told me one time that Jesus spoke to her and told her that among the different colors that we see in Heaven, one of them would be the color of Grace and that we just can’t see it now on earth. I believe it. I also think that Enough will be a color in heaven, and it’s probably going to be a reflective type color…one that ends up looking very similar to you.
you are unwanted
YOU ARE BELOVED
you are alone
YOU ARE HOME
you are nothing
YOU ARE MINE
you are inadequate
YOU ARE ENOUGH
go live like it and be free
Go be free.
You are not an accident.
You are only defined by what Your Creator calls you. He knows you best.
And He knows,
You are enough.
- Kellie // @childishkebino