I Am Not the Girl I Used to Be
I am not the girl I used to be. I am different—I have changed greatly over the past few months. As time has passed, I have slowly been becoming less interested in earthly things and more interested and intrigued by our Creator. I do not listen to secular music as much anymore (not that I do not condone such music because I love me some Beyoncé), but I have been wanting to either fill the space with humble quietness or Christian podcasts. Moreover, I walk and constantly pray for those around me—mostly college students who are carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. When I see someone sad, I pray for them. When I see someone tired, I pray that they find rest in the Lord. When I am lonely, I pray for God’s love and peace. When I am doubting myself and my worth, I pray for acceptance by the Lord Almighty.
God has had a grip on me over the past few months, and I have really been asking myself: “What is happening to me?!” I constantly think about Jesus, and how I can show His light to those around me. I only want to listen to Christian music and read daily devotionals. I only want to read the Bible and go to Church. I have never experienced such intimacy with Christ like this before.
I do not know why I have experienced this change recently. I think that—partly—it is because I have had a hard semester, and I am realizing how important it is to truly—truly—lean on the Lord. I am wrestling with what my purpose is in this life—and have simply gotten no answers (ahh--frustrating!). Moreover, I have been really asking myself, “Who am I?” God has been reminding me that I am first and foremost a daughter of the Most High. Everything that I thought I was going to be or do in this season of my life has been completely wiped away from my field of vision. My goals do not seem to be coming to fruition like I had hoped and planned. But, in my disappointment and frustration, I have had to get on my knees and pray like I never have before. I have had to call on the Lord for guidance, as I lay awake in my anxiety and restlessness. Literally, I have been waking up in the wee hours of the morning, and have had to call on the Lord for strength and guidance as I lay in bed stressing.
My future is foggy and uncertain. I do not know what the Lord is calling me to do. I thought I knew what my purpose was or had an idea of what is was going to be. However, the Lord has removed various desires from my life over the past few months. Slowly and slowly, I am becoming less focused on who I have always envisioned myself being. Moreover, I am becoming less unnerved about what is going to become of my future because Jesus has really been drawing me back to him, reminding me that I am His and He is all that I need.
I have been a follower of Christ for most of my life, but I have never truly let the spirit of Christ live through me—I have held onto my selfish desires for far too long. If you are in a place of chaos like me, I encourage you to truly lean on the Lord. He seriously provides so much peace, if you only reach for Him and let Him fill your soul. I know that when you truly experience the love of Christ, you, too, will not be the girl that you used to be.
Caroline // @carolineanisa